


Lord Voldemort had Never Heard Such Bullshit

by shaqb4



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:20:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24357193
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shaqb4/pseuds/shaqb4
Summary: A series of one-shots of various scenes throughout the series, told from Voldemort's perspective.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 63





	1. Explaining Second Year

Lord Voldemort reclined in his throne, reveling in the sensations that came with having a body. Feeling the robes he wore, the seat beneath him, even the heat from the fireplace – sinister, not welcoming, of course – was a joy he could not describe. Coming back to life certainly had its perks.

It was time to learn what he'd missed during his years as a spirit. Lucius, smug bastard that he was, would be able to tell him. Right on queue, a knock sounded at the door. "Enter."

The man opened the door confidently, striding to his feet and bowing low. "My Lord."

Voldemort told to him to rise, striking right at the most important issue. "Lucius, before my… falling, I entrusted a plain book to you for safe keeping. I'd like it back." The man paled at the question and Voldemort felt his eyes narrow, the beginnings of rage stirring.

"Lucius, you had better have that diary."

"Ah. You see, it is no longer in my possession." Malfoy winced.

"Then whose possession is it in?" Voldemort hissed.

"It's – It's, yea, it's fucking gone."

"What do you mean it's fucking gone?! Where the fuck did it go?" His voice showed his displeasure clearly and his victim lowered himself even more.

"Well, I gave it to a little girl two years ago. The Weasley daughter."

Whatever the Dark Lord had been expecting, this was not it. "A little girl?"

"A little girl."

"Why the fu – You know what, I don't want to know. Just get it back."

Another hesitant response. "I can't". He hastily added on a "My Lord," when he felt Voldemort's glare.

"Explain." God damn Malfoys.

"Well I don't know all the details, but it appears the diary possessed the girl into unleashing a basilisk on the school. Many students were petrified."

Voldemort leaned forward, finally intrigued. No deaths? That's interesting. "And what happened? Why is there not a mini-me walking around murdering people wantonly?"

"I understand that you… mini-you almost succeeded. But Potter showed up."

Lord Voldemort closed his eyes, mentally preparing himself for the fuckery he was about to hear. "Are you telling me a twelve year old defeated my past self and a basilisk?"

Malfoy seemed relieved he hadn't been cursed yet. Fool. "He had help from Dumbledore's phoenix." Of course he did. "And the sorting hat." Wait, what?

"Lucius, talk sense. Quickly."

"Well you know Gryffindor's Sword, the legendary weapon that's been lost for ages?"

"Yes, I know of the sword."

"It fell on Potter's head, out of the hat."

…

"The sword of Gryffindor fell on Potter's head." It wasn't a question, just a statement to help him understand the words that came together in such an absurd sequence.

"Correct, my Lord. He stabbed the basilisk through the mouth, getting bitten in the process."

"Then why is he not dead?" He was back to hissing now.

"The phoenix cried on him, my Lord." Of course it did. Voldemort held up his hand, silencing whatever Malfoy was going to say next.

"Just- just give me a moment," he said, looking away as he grappled with Potter's existence. The boy did not follow the normal rules of the universe. The fates must be pranking him. It was the only explanation.

There was only one thing for it. Malfoy was going to fucking die.


	2. Explaining the Department of Mysteries

Lord Voldemort reclined in his throne, waiting for his Death Eaters to return with the prophecy and, hopefully, Potter. He had planned it to the smallest detail, spent the whole year sending the same vision to Potter’s mind, and finally it was culminating in this trap. The boy was truly an idiot.

His Death Eaters would be waiting for him to take the orb, then steal it from him and escape. Simple.

An hour passed. He eyed the clock on the wall. Another hour passed. Impatience began to overtake his joy. Clearly something had gone wrong.

He rose, deliberating between adorning his comfortable robes or his battle robes. _How bad could it have gone? They’re children._ He put on the comfortable robes, followed the dark mark to Bellatrix's location, and apparated.

He arrived in the Ministry atrium, not the Department of Mysteries. Not optimal. Then he saw Potter and a hysterical, giggling Bellatrix. He didn’t want to imagine the events leading up to that disturbing scene.

 _No matter. I can finally kill this child._ He raised his wand for the killing blow, but Dumbledore appeared in a flash of fire and suddenly the atrium was alive with transfigurations.

 _Shit. Fuck. Wrong robes, wrong god damn robes!_ Then the duel began in earnest. Voldemort took delight in matching the formidable man spell for spell, yet he was still in disbelief at how his followers could possibly have botched their task so badly.

The next few minutes were a blur, ending up with him sitting on his throne once more, left eye twitching, and his followers arrayed before him. He felt nothing but rage.

His eyes narrowed on Lucius Malfoy, the man who had been in charge of the mission. He beckoned him forward. “Lucius. Explain what happened, from the beginning.” The blonde bowed low, hiding his face.

“Potter fell for the trap, my Lord. He showed up and grabbed the prophecy as we expected.”

“Then why is it not here?”

“When we demanded he hand it over he –“

“Stop.” Voldemort held up his hand. His voice was quiet. “You… demanded? With words? Lucius, your task was to take the prophecy, not have a fucking conversation with the boy.” The blonde looked uncomfortable, as well he should. “Continue.”

“Yes, well, he refused.” _No shit, Lucius._ If there was one thing Potter could be counted on for, it was his stubborn defiance. “Then one of them managed to knock over the shelves and –“ Voldemort held up his hand again.

“Say that again.”

Lucius closed his eyes and swallowed. “…One of them knocked over a shelf?” He sounded unsure. Voldemort’s fingers curled around his arm rest and a creak filled the room. Every bowed body flinched.

“Lucius, did they… did they have they’re wands out this whole time? You didn’t fucking disarm them? What did you do, just stroll up and start talking?! You had the element of surprise! I called you Death Eaters for a reason, not the fucking Lollipop Guild. Just kill whoever’s in your way!” 

Lucius shifted, confused. “The Lollipo –”

“Not the fucking point!” He was so angry his muggle was showing. _Ever loving fuck_. He rounded on Bellatrix. “And you! What the hell were you cackling about when I got there, with Potter standing right next to you?”

She squirmed in shame. “He chased me to the atrium and tried to Crucio me as revenge for killing Sirius Black.” While it was good news that the rogue Black was dead, there was something deeply concerning about that sentence.

“He chased you? Why were you running? He’s a fifteen year old boy, just cut off his head. What is wrong with you people?!” He stared at his followers in disgust.

“Because of your idiocy in handling school children, I had to show up. In the Ministry fucking atrium! My cover is blown. I had to duel fucking Dumbledore!” Voldemort held back the wordless scream that wanted to force its way out.

 _Fucking Dumbledore – comfortable robes – Potter alive – god damn asked for the prophecy._ The assembled Death Eaters eyed their Lord warily as he began to mutter to himself in parseltongue.

 _No wonder I lost the last war, with these assholes as my inner circle. Wizarding elite, my ass._ Maybe he could just kill them all and start over. Change his name to Lord Britain’s A Piece Of Shit – he snorted, causing his followers to trade glances - and pick up in South America somewhere. He spoke a passing Spanish.

Yes, that’s what he would do. Dumbledore surely wouldn’t follow him to a different continent. He should have done this ages ago. He looked up, content. He would kill them all. Starting with Lucius. Fuck that guy.

He smiled, and then the screams started.


End file.
